Epiphany

Growing up I always believed in God, there was no real rhyme or reason why, cause my family never went to church.  In fact we never even celebrated the Christian aspects of the holidays. Christmas always revolved around Santa Claus and presents under the tree. Easter was always about a big bunny rabbit leaving candy in a basket for me to find.  When I was fourteen, that all changed. I found our how real God is.  But with that came the hardships in realizing how ugly, polluted, fake, and tainted the church is.

I can remember the day I was “saved” as if it happened yesterday.  Walking into a church youth group for the second time ever, because of this blonde angel named Vanessa who sparked my interest the week before. Halfway through the service a grey haired old man in a black and red sweater came over to me and put his hand on my forehead and started belting out some forign language and trying to push me over yelling at me saying that if I did not repent all of my wrong doing and change my life, that I was going to burn in Hell.

Scared out of my wits, I accepted his proclamation and was then greeted with a round of applause, and a complimentary coffee cup.

Over the next couple of years through high school I evolved, and grew stronger in the church. Going to all the bible studies and extra curricular activities outside the initial services.  Next thing I knew, I became that man in the red and black sweater, babbling in tongues and grabbing peoples faces.  Though I had no idea what I was doing, it looked good in the church, and it made me stand out as a good Christian.

When I was 18 I enlisted in the Navy, and God left me at the front gate of basic training.  Boot camp was hell; it was so bad that I dropped my first F-bomb in two years.  The gut wrenching self-ridicule followed me to my first duty station in San Diego.  I kept to myself for the first month or so, because I was too good to hang out with all those sinners that came back to the barracks drunk, slept around, cheated on their wives, and cussed all the time.

My pride was finally shattered when one if my Navy Buddies named Joe told me that I needed to lighten the F--- up. I was intimidated, and I don’t know if it was his cursing, or his thick New York tough guy attitude.

Of course I took it personal for a couple of days, and dove my nose into the bible, bickering and bitching about how I could strategize telling everyone that they are going to hell.  The words Joe said to me kept coming back, and I came across a quote that has stuck with me ever since. A pastor named Mark Driscoll said at the end of an interview with porn star Jenna Jameson. “We sinners are a crazy bunch of conflicted people, torn between the dignity of creation and the depravity of the curse, who apart from Jesus saving us from ourselves and renewing our minds are a hopeless mess.” 

I really began to search myself after getting smacked in the face twice in the same day.  I began studying other religions, and trying to figure out who God really was.  A lot of questions stirred up in my heart as I studied the likes of Buddhism, Hindu, and Islam.  I also discovered one on my biggest role models in life Mahatma Gandhi, even learning the he was the one who professed one of my favorite what I thought to be biblical quotes. “Love the sinner, hate the sin.” 

These events stirred up a lot of questions, and I began to explore the true meaning of God, Christianity, Jesus, and Religion in general.  Many questions that came to my mind were – Christians say that, what ever is not of God is of the devil.  A question sired up in me and I began to question my very beliefs that once defined my entire life, I began to wonder. If everything that wasn’t of God was of the devil, what man had the wisdom or ability to know the difference between them? I came to my own conclusion that nobody really knew the difference, and that religion in all reality had been tainted, and polluted.  Christianity wasn’t a creation of God, people were.  We as people have turned God into an idealistic idea that only has a place within a building.  In an episode of Family Guy one of the characters gave an opinion on religion that was “Religion is a bunch of sheep gathering together singing songs and listening to a bunch of ridiculous tall tales, all along trying to exploit their own ignorance.” 

At first I was deeply offended by the comment, and even boycotted the show for a short time. Still the comment stayed with me, and frequently whispered back in my ear like echoes through a canyon.  Every time I went to church and saw someone speaking in tongues.  Every time I heard a preacher getting all riled up, and commanding the congregation to pray out loud. Even to the simple events of someone raining their hands up in praise.  The only thing I could think of was how fake and chauvinistic it seemed.

After the Navy I tried to get involved in my old campus ministry in town, but things weren’t the same to me.  Aside from the fact that it was full of a whole different crowd of people, even the head pastor took on a different job, and was replaced by his wife.  A lot of her views seemed to be based of this charismatic style of leadership.  The hands on prayer and supernaturalism seemed to be the main focus in every service.  To me it all seemed like a giant dog and pony show, people dancing around and praying, singing songs and listening to all these bible stories that were watered down, and almost always directed toward being a better Christian.  It was the exact same thing I had heard on Family guy months before. 

Where was the generosity? So many people in this place would pat you on the back, call you brother, and fill your head with a bunch of ridiculous fables and ideas that were only half right. But when moving day came, they were nowhere to be found. 

I have nothing against the church, I just simply do not like care much for the church. I have been to hell and back and have spent many nights hanging out with homeless people, prisoners, and losers.

It has come to my realization so far that its exactly what Jesus did, he picked 12 men that were just men. Jesus spent a majority of his time with sinners, murderers, prostitutes, beggars and the rest of the people that the church threw away because they weren’t god enough.

            I also began to study the truth behind all of the truth behind all of the Biblical character that the children’s church always tells stories about.  The story of Noah’s Arc is a popular one, and the kids find it entertaining because it’s about animals.  The truth behind Noah’s Arc is that it was the time God flooded the earth and killed everyone. I wonder how the children would act if the Veggi-Tales showed the characters drowning, and gasping for air as their swept away by a tsunami of water, or if it showed them dead bloated and purple lying face down like the victims of the tsunami victims in Sri Lanka.

            When I dug down deep I realized that these characters were real people.  Moses was a murderer, Rahab was a prostitute, Jacob was a deceiver, David was an adulterer, Peter strait up denied Gods very existence, and Paul was a murderer.

As I continued to research, I came across the most brought up bible verse in John 3:16.  Id heard it a hundred times and it never meant anything until one night. Just the first line is all it took, saying “God so loved the world” the world.  God didn’t love Christians; he didn’t love the church, religion, pastors, or even the Pope. God loves the world. He loved everybody, including that homeless guy begging me for change, or the guy sitting in his cell awaiting his death for murdering his wife by decapitating her with a crowbar as she walked in the house from work.